Running Through Wild Flowers

Hello dear bloggers,

I am sorely sorry that I haven't written in almost a year, but I have hoped to start to continue my blog. It will be my 2rd year in [said university], two years after having gone through my ordeal. However, I see the kindness of God's blessing in my life. Despite what had happened in the past, I have a brand new future.

I am currently studying plant science and I am enjoying every minute of it!

Plants are extremely complex. From Xylem and Phloem to Auxin and Giberillin (which are chemicals inside the plants), I never appreciated God's work until I studied it first hand.

Anyway, just wanted to state that I am back and running full steam ahead!

Hydrangea Charm

Dear Readers,

If you recall, I was very hesitant to leave my life in community college. My JC was the place where I struggled with the consequences of my actions in high school, where I fought with the ongoing question of "what God had in store for me", and where the Lord shaped me and molded me under the pressure of His healing hand. After the flames of the forge, I saw my community college as the safe haven where I could finally rest my burden.

Now at University, I think I am beginning to open my eyes to where I am in God's plan. Like the Hydrangeas (which symbolize perseverance), after being split, pruned, and buried in the rocky soil, the stems of past experiences are beginning to blossom into something beautiful!

The tools I learned in community college are coming in handy now, as I teach my friends! The lessons I learned from my past professors, are becoming the staple of my studies! Most of all, the traumatizing experience of senior year has become a visible mark on my mind---- reminding me of the temptation of idleness, and the reward of perseverance.

So, I am so excited now for my future! The experiences God has put me through are now my weapons of victory! Now, I will go strong into battle, knowing the Lord is on my side--- as should you. : )

Golden Fields of Wheat

The burden of the summer sun is weighing heavily on the hearts of all of us. Myself especially, I can feel the harvest season slowly ebbing away into the fall. Soon it will be August, then September, then we will be back to school again-- Although I am so happy to be going to University, after the Lord has blessed me with this opportunity, my soul is quietly aching for home again. I could be blinded and still know my way home through the dazzling sprawl of streets, find the homes of my friends, go to my favorite restaurants, and find my special spots. It's so comfortable here-- I am afraid to go to a city where the buildings lay out before me, like a labyrinth. Slowly climbing a mountain-less countryside, the monster (that is strangeness) might overwhelm me, and I will be lost in that maze.

I keep on telling myself, have faith, have faith. Don't worry about tomorrow, just leave it in His hands.

Lives are endless contradictions, "The end is just another beginning". Though I have fear, I can't wait for this new adventure.

Leis made Of Orchids

Today is the graduation day of class of 2010, for my old high school!

I had thought about going to rejoice the end of the year with all my young friends (all covered in huge purple leis), but decided to hang back. Although my boyfriend was going to be there (which is also an advantage), I just felt so much shame in my heart --- I don't want to run into all my teachers and see their faces of disapproval. I would have to explain to Mr. Landers why I didn't go to his alma mater, or to stare in the face of Madame Oyler, who made me feel intellectually obsolete for two years of my life.

I do not want to confront these troubles! It makes me realize now, that I really haven't gotten over my failure 2 years ago. I am going to go to an even BETTER college now, and I got straight A's my first semester of Community College, and relatively good grades for my second semester! I guess this proves the saying that "you just can't let go of the past", but just goes to show that God brought me through that struggle, and He will surely fulfill His promise, and guide me forward again.

Sweet Smells of Summer

Hello Readers! It's almost the end of the school year and you realize what that means! Beach trips!!! Sounds of waves crashing methodically onto the shore, mix with the laughs and cries of beach parties. People happily converse with one another, enjoying the company of old friends-- chances for intimate interactions occur, creating the beginning of summer-long romances! I am so thrilled for this summer!

Tomorrow I'm going to experiment with a Thai Dish called "Coconut Sticky Rice with Mango", a dish that literally tastes like summer in your mouth. The first time I ate it, my whole entire world fell into my taste buds- it's simply too good to never try (thus I recommend it for you!). So I thought -with my limited cooking skills- I would try making it for a Beach trip my friends and I are having this week.

Here is the recipe I'm using: http://www.thaitable.com/Thai/recipes/Mango_on_Sticky_Rice.htm

Though this one seems good too:

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Coconut-Milk-Sticky-Rice-with-Mangoes-233842

So I'm going to experiment tomorrow! If you want, try it and let me know how it worked for you, then maybe you can help me haha.

Violets in my Pockets

Finally, I've had time to write! [above is "Walking in the Woods"- made with pen and prisma color pencils]

Sorry it has been a while since I last wrote, my final exams have kept me from my computer.

Honestly, before my exams, I had never tried coffee, but lack of sleep began to add up (over the course of several days) so I decided to "Man Up" and try it. Gone are the days when my dad used bottles of coke and bags of M&M's! I am loyally sticking by my new friend Coffee, and so far we are hitting it off so well that a special shelf in my pantry is reserved for it. SO, after much prayer, and many cups of coffee later here are the results of my classes for this semester!

Math= A-

Environmental Biology= A

Political Science= B-

Communications= A

Macro Economics= A+

Oh dear reader, I cannot accurately express how thankful I am at this moment! My feelings are overflowing! I literally broke down in tears after seeing my grades. This means I can finally go to [insert a more prestigious school than original], after I was accepted this Spring. After all the tribulations, the pain, and the tears, G-d has blessed me with this wonderful gift, and has helped me through the valley.

Faithfulness, like the violet, He has pruned me and planted me in good soil, and now I feel I have blossomed under His hand. It's like I have finally gasped real air, after being under so long --- everything is clearer now, and I see I must have faith that He will open doors for me in good time.

Reader, I pray that you will also keep faith in whatever troubles you, and "Be Still and Know that He is G-d". For truly, He loves you so, and wants you to succeed in His name.

Black Willows

The longer I seem to spend time with people, the harder it is to feel relaxed by myself. Like right now, sitting alone on my bed--- I feel strange. I don't feel like getting my diary, instead I'm trying not to waist the precious time that I have. It's 2:00 am, my friend just left 10 minutes ago, and I'm striving to find "Myself Time" to collect my thoughts.

I just finished the latest piece for my portfolio, I called it, "through the woods" I'll post here next time. I feel very blessed it turned out really well. You know what? I didn't have a place in the art world until G-d blessed me with the ability to draw flowers like I can now. The ability was so random, that I know it really is a miracle. I may not know as much as I should about the Bible, but I know in my heart that G-d loves me--- can you think of any blessings? :) Just sit down and think about them--- I feel that, just like I am right now, you will find that G-d really is AMAZING.

Winter Daisies

So much has been happening! It's so amazing. Recently, I've finally got the hang of my college courses, so for the moment I feel very content. I've been working hard on my UCLA art portfolio and I'm trying to make friends. However, my younger sister is failing her classes and I honestly don't know what to tell her. Since she is doing poorly in the classes I excelled in, I just wonder --- what can I do to save her from drowning?! I don't want her to fail miserably like I have. I try to help her with her homework, but with one week till the end of their semester, there's so little time to recover the broken pieces! I feel as if I'm suffocating, there's nothing I can do for her! I don't want her to end up in my position. There's just so much I want for her, I pray things will go well if it is His will.

"Like winter daisies, we must try to fight the hopeless storm"

Driver's Test

Tomorrow morning I'm taking my driver's test in Norco, CA. Waking up at 7:00 am and taking an hour drive to get to this city I have never even BEEN to. I don't know how I'm going to pass, if I can't predict the streets. Anyway, I watched the CA DMV videos on youtube, "Driving Tests: 10 Top reasons People Fail the Driving Test". Definitely Try to watch these, they have helped me so much.

The problem still is the matter of my unfamiliarity of the area. Unfortunately, there are no maps on the driving routes for this particular DMV, why does no one think of this?! Maybe I'll try to get it written down afterwards-- I pray I pass, but if I don't, I don't.

Top Four things to remember:

********** 1. (Which didn't even let me take the test!!!) Remember your proof of insurance, car registration, permit, and anything you can think they might ask you for!

2. SMOS: Signal, Mirror, Over Shoulder

3. When making a right turn: Signal, stop in front of the cross walk, check for pedestrians, creep forward to check traffic, then make your turn. (1,2,3)

4. When making a left turn in an unprotected intersection: Signal, check as you yield into the middle of the intersection, let all oncoming traffic pass, check for pedestrians, and then make your turn.

I hope that helps anyone, I'll tell you how it went. Hopefully, things will certainly work out.

Rose enchantment

Sometimes I wonder where God is taking me. The beginning of community college has been such a whirl wind of emotions that I can't seem to grasp where it is I am. The loss of my devotional book has meant that I feel farther and farther away. But you know what? Every time I think I'm going to fall away into oblivion, He shows me that He's there.

I'll pray for you and hope you realize, that He'll be there for you as well.

The Green Grass

Today was my first day of community college. 

My mom made me drive all the way there, which resulted in several minor collisions, but that's okay, the worst part is the yelling. I still feel sad that I'm missing out on the opportunity to be somewhere else right now, but that's okay too. Slowly, but surely you'll see that I'm gonna get there soon.

Plastic Roses

Hey readers (if there are any),

I received my acceptance into the Honors Program from [insert community college] and I have to say that I'm amazed at the amount of opportunities the program offers! 

- field trips

- conventions

- speakers

- UC library passes

- guaranteed admission at some universities  

It's astonishing and I'm so thankful God has given me!

However I remembered that I actually couldn't get into any of the honors classes! I can turn my regular courses into honors by filling out a contract, but I don't understand how to fill it out. 

 I feels like I'm smelling plastic roses; they're pretty and look so real, but they're still not roses. Translating to, there is still so much left to do before I really am a part of the Honors Program. I pray things will go smoothly 

Clay Flowers

This morning my grandmother came over and like the most absurdly wonderful grandmother in the world, brought us to my new community college so she could look around. The first thing she said was,

 "I never saw such a beautiful campus, Erin, I think it'd be wonderful to study here." I could have kissed her. "You know, I went to community college too and so did your father. We both graduated there [. . .] don't worry you'll find classes" 

About that time, I lost one of my clay flowers I glued to my nail that morning 1 of 2.

The next one I lost at my friend's party. 

But finally at 12:01 am exactly I logged onto [insert community college website] and was finally able to register for classes!!!!!

I have classes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL-- FOR REAL CLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so ecstatic! Nothing can err me now except for the fact I have pilates tomorrow, and after a whole summer of no ballet classes, I'm going to be so sore!

Please, Let It be the White Rose

On my first and last prom, I gave my date a white rose. 

It was a perfect flower; not yet bloomed, yet so delicate, so beautiful . . .

The Florist warned me, if I should touch it, it would die during the dance, so I kept it safe. I cradled the box in my lap all the drive home, imagining his face would light up when he saw it. 

Reflecting on it now, I was free from worry, or doubt. I just knew that everything would turn out the way I had hoped, because I imagined that when I was with the one I so loved, even the storms would be clouds in the sky. 

I looked up "White Rose" the next day. "You are heavenly", "Humility", "Youth", "Innocence" [Internet Florist], how amazing that the flower should reflect everything I was feeling. 

If everyone's feelings were displayed by flowers, we would have such a colorful world. Even the bad times would be filled with joy and delight. This is the way a good friend told me that we should see God. 

We should treasure our feelings that we have for Him, cherishing the love it brings our hearts when we think on him. Full of innocence, and humility . . . I want to be that White Rose because everyday is a struggle to stay cheerful. But knowing God is there, I should constantly remind myself of that perfect white rose that was waiting to fully bloom, to become even more precious, to bring more joy. Just like how God will one day use us to spread love and His Holy Name. 

Right now, I'm waiting to see if registrations from [insert community college] will open up, and I'll be able to find classes for this semester so I can begin my life. I'm scared. I'm praying that everything will turn out okay, but somewhere inside of me is telling me, be strong, have faith. God has his plan for you. 

So in my heart I'm also praying. Please, my faith, my feelings, let it be the White Rose; strong, sure, in its pure intentions, quiet, subtle, and Innocent. 

I'm not a Biblical scholar this blog is about me learning to find my way back onto the path. God is my guide, and everyday I feel I'm getting closer to him. Hoping never to stray again.

Inked Blooms

Tired Today . . . 

I was able to send off the fax to [insert community college 2] , hopefully I'll be able to register. But listen!

Their requirement is orientation at the school! I'm not even sure how to get there its a 9 hour drive . . . my goodness. 

and registration for [insert current community college] ends today *sigh*. I still haven't registered for any classes. What do I do now?

Finished some illustrations my friend asked for, for her children's book. I think it looks pretty nice, but I'm not sure if anyone will like it. What do you think? 

 

The Lonely Anemone

What happens to the people we leave behind?  

Honestly I'm having a dilemma trying to imagine I'll finally get out of community college. I still can't even  get into any courses. 

Mount SAC's website is down, I can't even try to get in anywhere. I gave Cabrillo college the wrong email by the way, so I can't get a confirmation number in any case.  

Why Do I Have Such Bad Luck? Where is my future going to take me? Honestly, I'm freak'n scared! But last night I was reminded that even if everything else fails and all hope is lost, God is with us. He is inside of us. Even when we think He isn't, He is there. Knowing that he is a part of my soul has encouraged me. No one is an anemone, alone and forsaken, there's always hope. 

I'm not sure if anyone bothers reading this, but if you are, don't fret over your problems God has given s his promise. Even when time get tough, have faith. 

Hopeful Buttercup

Buttercups mean Childishness. Children are never really sad because they have the innocent hope for something better. 

The Lady from the Honors office from my community college called me. I must say that she is the most agreeable person I've spoken to over the summer. 

She sympathized with me, trying to advise me the best she could: 

1. The community college clean sweeps between 12-17 (but registration ends the 12th mind you and I still have no classes)

2. She says try wait-listing and searching for courses 6am on the 17th

3. Ask professors to be a part of the class on the first day of school.

4. Then she called back and told me to try the 13th too. 

I am SOOO confused, but I see her information as a blessing. Though I still feel really nervous. What can I do? What will happen to me if I can't find any courses?

Gladiolus means FIght!

I woke up this morning thinking 2 things:

1. My Life is an absurd mess that I don't know how to handle and . . .

2. MY LIFE IS AN ABSURD MESS!

I keep still to the promise that God has given me, that if I work hard and have faith in Him, I will prosper."The heavy weights that tie me down, will become wings of hope." (Springs in the Desert Devotional Reading) The problem is that I can't even get past the first part without messing up!

All the courses in my local community college are full to the nth extent, meaning that I can't seem to register for one single course. The one course that IS open needs to go through the whole prerequisite process, which requires going to the community college. For someone who can't drive yet, THIS IS A PROBLEM! 

To make matters worse after desperately trying to sign up for another community college I realized after submitting the application . . . I put in the WRONG email address!! I had one of those weird email addresses that Apple gives you and then makes you pay for later and when my first FREE term expired I was thinking "Psh! Like I'm gonna pay that kind of money for an email." And well, now I have a problem. 

Do I ask my mom to pay for it, Go through the whole stupid process of calling up the school, dealing with idiots? Or do I sign up for DeVry who seems to be panting behind me like some kind pedophile on my doorstep? 

Gladiolus's are like lily plants, who are named for gladiator swords. Unfortunately I can't seem to muster their type of tenacity before breaking down into a nervous wreck. 

What should I do?

The Begonia

I honestly don't know why I am writing a blog . . . seems a little silly. . . Okay let me rephrase that. "WHY ON EARTH HAVE I STARTED A BLOG?!" 

Maybe its because I saw Julie/Julia this morning, or because since I already have a diary and I thought "well if I want people to hear my thoughts in a couple years why not now?" 

It isn't that I'm narcissistic its just that . . . well, why not start a blog? 

This blog is about grasping the reality that in one month, my friends will be off towards Brown, Stanford, Caltech, Berkeley, UCLA, etc. and I'll be stuck here, [insert boring city]. For another 2-3 years because of my horrible work ethic this year . 

God had blessed me with the opportunity to enter [insert prestigious school], but I messed up. It was a case of pride and foolishness, one that I am sure even the perky Begonia would have been ashamed of. 

"'Beware I am Fanciful!'"(The meaning of Begonias [Internet Florist]) has been ringing in my ears for the last 3 months. I can only say that after this experience God has let me go through, I am more humbled. 

Now I am picking up the pieces of my life, trying to make up for chronic carelessness, lost time, and arrogance in order to transfer from community college in two years.

This is a blog about Finding a Future.